What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving (and What Not to Say)

When someone we love is grieving, we’re often so afraid of saying the wrong thing that we say nothing at all. But silence can feel like being forgotten. The good news: you don’t need perfect words. You need presence.

Things that help

• “I’m so sorry. I’m here.”
• “I loved how [their name] always…” (Say their name. Most grieving people long to hear it.)
• “You don’t have to reply. I’m just thinking of you today.”
• “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” (Specific offers are easier to say yes to than “let me know if you need anything.”)
• “I don’t know what to say, but I love you.”

Things to avoid

• “At least…” (“At least she’s not suffering.” “At least you had him for 40 years.”) It shrinks the loss.
• “God needed another angel.” It isn’t biblical, and it can make God sound like the one who took their person.
• “Everything happens for a reason.” Even if you believe God works all things for good (Romans 8:28), the first days of grief are a time to weep with them (Romans 12:15), not explain.
• “I know exactly how you feel.” Every loss is different.

Jesus showed us how

When Lazarus died, Jesus knew He was about to raise him. He still stood with Mary and Martha and wept (John 11:35). He didn’t rush them past their tears. That’s our model: show up, sit close, cry with them.

Don’t disappear after the funeral

Grief often gets lonelier after the casseroles stop. Put the date of the death and the person’s birthday in your calendar. A text on those days (“Thinking of you and remembering [name] today”) means more than you know.

More help: Grief & Loss (also in Kreyòl: Lapenn ak Pèt) · The Hard Days · Don’t Be Job’s Friends

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